Joe Pavelski has reportedly narrowed down his free agency options to Tampa and Dallas so I’m going to roast the city of Dallas so that he chooses Tampa

Folks, if you haven’t heard by now, elite sniper Joe Pavelski has reportedly narrowed down his free agency options to Tampa and Dallas. Former NHL All Star John Scott tweeted it out this morning.

As a Lightning fan this is very exciting for me because he could very well be the missing piece we need to finally win the Stanley Cup. He’s a great player in front of the net and he’s got the best hands for deflecting goals into the net in the game. Ideally he could play next to Stamkos on the wing and if needed the Lightning could form a super line with Stamkos, Kucherov, and Pavelski that would annihilate teams into oblivion.

As a Journalist it’s my job to make sure that Joe Pavelski has all the information he needs to make the right decision. The right decision in this case is to sign with the Bolts. So without further adieu, here’s my roast of the city of Dallas. Joe Pavelski, if you’re reading this, I’m speaking directly to you here.

For starters, why the hell would anyone want to play in the same city as the Dallas Cowboys and their fans? Cowboys fans are notoriously stupid and no matter how bad they are they’re always the talk of the town. You’d be playing second or third fiddle to a team that hasn’t been relevant since the mid 90’s. However, in Tampa the Lightning are the talk of the town. The Buccaneers are a perpetually miserable team that nobody cares about and people in Tampa care so little about the Rays that they’re trying to move to Canada so you’d be front and center here in Tampa getting the attention that you deserve.

The name of the Stars arena is also called American Airlines Arena. Do you know what I think of when I think of American Airlines? Delayed flights. There’s nothing worse in this world than delayed flights. I wouldn’t want my arena to be named after an airline that has a worse on time flight percentage than Spirit. Meanwhile the Lightning’s arena is named after Amalie Motor Oil. This company makes oil for cars and ATVs. Who’s life isn’t better when they’re messing around on an ATV? Amalie makes dreams come true whereas American Airlines ruins people’s vacations.

Another reason why you don’t want to play in Dallas is because President John F. Kennedy was assassinated there. You know how many presidents have been assassinated in Tampa? Zero. As an American, you should want to play in a city that respects the office of the president and has no history of assassinating any of them. If you were to sign in Dallas you’re basically admitting that you hate freedom and love communism.

Let’s also not forget that the ownership and management of the Dallas Stars publicly blasted Stars captain Jamie Benn and Stars first line center Tyler Seguin. Dallas Stars CEO Jim Lites even went as far as saying that they were “fucking horse-shit.” You know who would never say that about any of his players? Tampa Bay Lightning owner Jeff Vinik. He loves this team and this city so much that he’s building a whole new entertainment district downtown. He’s constantly working to build a better hockey culture in the city as a whole. He’s the best owner in all of sports.

Lastly, if your goal is to win a Stanley Cup then there’s no team that’s been closer but hasn’t gotten over the hump than the Tampa Bay Lightning. We are so close. You could be the piece that puts us over the top with your excellent combination of skill and grit. Dallas couldn’t score last year. They are multiple pieces away on offense from being legitimate contenders whereas the Lightning are loaded up front and have great defenseman that can make significant contributions on offense. Would you rather play next to Nikita Kucherov or Jamie Benn? Would you rather have your franchise defenseman be John Klingberg or Victor Hedman? The choices are easy.

Do the right thing, Joe. Come to Tampa.

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