Hello, friends! It’s Boring Daniel Jones here (@DanielJonesNY on twitter) and I wanted to update you on what’s going on with my life! It’s the most exciting time of year for me because I get to start training camp and be back with my teammates who are now my new family. I have learned so much since being taken with the 6th overall pick by my best friend Dave Gettleman. He’s still as happy now as he was when he first chose me back in April.
That being said, I wasn’t officially a Giant until yesterday when I signed my rookie deal. The reason for the delay was about signing bonus money. I begged Mr. Gettleman and the Giants to not give me all of my signing bonus so that they could use it to improve the team and lead us to a Super Bowl but he insisted as he kept telling me that he was still “in full bloom love” with me and he wanted to treat me to a small fortune. I decided to accept his offer because I knew how happy it would make him.
So now I have a lot of money. I never thought that I would have this much money. An ideal life for me would have been getting a job in my degree field of Economics but God gifted me with the ability to make Dave Gettleman think that I can play quarterback in the NFL and sometimes plans change. So here’s what I plan on spending my money on.
1. Used Honda Accord- $7,000
What people don’t realize about cars is that their main purpose is to take us from point A to point B. The Honda Accord does just that and it gets 38 highway miles per gallon meaning I won’t have to get as much gas! I don’t need to drive anything flashy because according to my Economics major cars are one of the most highly depreciable assets. The only flashy drives that I want to see over the course of the next year are Eli Manning’s flashy drives at the end of the games leading the Giants to victory.
2. One Pair of my Signature Shoes- $54.99
For those of you who didn’t know, I’m teaming up with Nike to have my own signature shoe. They’re called the Heir Monarch since I’m technically the heir to Eli Manning’s throne.
I love these shoes because they’re durable and they last forever. Whether you’re cutting the grass or coaching a youth soccer team, these shoes can withstand it all. I am hopeful that one pair will last me for the next 2 years minimum.
3. A Vacation to Winnipeg-$1,500
A few years ago I was watching a hockey game and I noticed that the Dallas Stars posted a helpful list of things to do in Winnipeg, Canada on their jumbotron.
As soon as I saw this list I thought to myself, “I have to get there as fast as possible.” Well it took me a few years but now that I’m set up well financially I think that it’s time for me to make the trip. A little known fact about me is that I’m incredibly interested in Western Canadian Aviation and I do love me some Tim Horton’s because it’s basically Canadian Dunkin Donuts. I can’t wait to go there this winter after the Super Bowl!
4. Gifts for Eli Manning and my other teammates- $3,000,000
Since I’ve gotten to New York, Eli Manning has been nothing but wonderful to me. He lets me do all of his laundry, cut his grass, and even clean his pool! He tells me that doing all of these things will help me become a two time Super Bowl champion like he is.
So how am I going to repay him? I’m going to get him a bunch of presents. New golf clubs? Done. A few new jet skis that he said he’d let me use for no longer than 2 minutes with him at his lake house? It’s already done. I also heard him mention something about him and his wife wanting matching Rolls-Royces and you can consider that done. I normally wouldn’t spend that much money on a car but if it helps me become like Eli Manning then I consider it an investment in my future.
As for my other teammates I will get them each gift baskets every week filled with important fruits and vegetables such as apples, carrots, and celery. If we win our game the previous week I may even sneak some raisins in there just to spice things up!
So what am I going to do with the other $22,591,445.01? I’m going to put it in a mutual fund to grow my money to make sure that it’s there in a handy savings account. I don’t want to become one of those athletes who loses all of their money in 2 years. I will be wise in my spending and live a practical life despite the fact that in 1-3 years I’ll be the starting quarterback of the New York giants.