Hot Takes NFL Uncategorized

Week 1 – The PFF Efficiency, Numbers, Info, and Stats

Happy Hump Day and welcome to the first ever PFF Efficiency, Numbers, Info, and Stats (better known as the PENIS). Since a majority of our audience is 18-34 year old males who have never taken on the PENIS, let me explain to you what it is. The PENIS is where I strip down the NFL’s weirdest, boldest, and oddest stats that provide you with the ins and outs of what really want down this weekend. Essentially, I’m just gonna give you a bunch of facts you can memorize and think about during sex to last longer (unless thinking about Saquon Barkley turns you on which would be perfectly okay).

 

THE PENIS:

  1. Gardner Minshew had an 100% adjusted completion %. He went 22/25 with 2 drops and 1 batted down pass.
  2. Dak Prescott was pressured on just 12.5% of his dropbacks.
    • The next closest QB was Jimmy G who was pressured on 17.9% of his dropbacks.
      • It makes total sense that Tampa wouldn’t wanna hit Jimmy G. Dude dated a porn star. That practically makes him the mayor of Tampa.
    • Gardner Minshew was pressured on 32.1% of his throws (over double the amount of Prescott) and still managed a better completion percentage.
  3. Carson Wentz went 9/10 (90% CMP) with 2 TDs when he was pressured against Washington. 🔥
    • The next best QB? Gardner Minshew who went 6/7 (85.7%) with 2 TDs.
  4. Baker Mayfield threw all 3 of his interceptions in a clean pocket. I guess he wasn’t feeling dangerous today.
    • Do you know who didn’t throw any interceptions at all? Gardner Fucking Minshew.
  5. Fact: Gardner Minshew already has a better mustache than Baker and Aaron Rodgers.
    1. Related image Image result for baker mayfield mustacheImage result for gardner minshew
    2. Oh, and he loves his family.
  6. The Arizona Cardinals ran a train on Matthew Stafford – pressuring him a league leading 24 times (47.1% of drop backs).
    • Taylor Decker was awful. He allowed: 2 sacks, 7 pressures, 4 hurries, 1 hit, and 4 penalties
    • Rick Wagner was almost as bad. He allowed: 1 sack, 7 pressures, 4 hurries, and 2 hits.
    • Both of these tackles are going to be protecting Stafford’s ass all season.
    • Image result for sheesh lebron
  7. Kyler Murray (4 foot 9) had 4 batted down passes. Joe Flacco (6 foot 6) had just 2 batted down passes.
    • This is proof that size really matters.
  8. John Ross had 3 drops yesterday. He’s on pace for 48 drops this season.
  9. DJ Chark had 4 targets, 4 receptions, 146 yards, and a touchdown. 3 targets, 3 receptions, 139 yards, and 1 TD came on the deep ball. That’s not sustainable.
  10. Jamison Crowder ran 46 routes. He was targeted 15 times. 14 of the 15 targets came within 10 yards. The other target came behind the line of scrimmage.
  11. Saquon Barkley rushed for 120 yards on 11 ATTs. Take away Barkley’s longest run (59 yards) and he still averaged 6.1 YPA.
    • Meanwhile, Dalvin Cook rushed for 111 yards on 21 ATTs. 62 of those yards came on 3 carries of 15 yards or more. If you take those runs away, Cook averaged just 2.72 YPA.
    • In other words, Saquon is a GOD.
  12. Buffalo RB Devin Singletary ran the ball 4 times on Sunday. All 4 runs went for 10+ yards.
    • Meanwhile, Frank Gore ran the ball 11 times for 20 yards.
  13. 12 DBs allowed a perfect passer ratings.
    • Of the 12, 5 played for either MIA or NYG.
  14. Marlon Humphrey was the only corner to 25+ coverage snaps without allowing a reception.
  15. Cameron Wake – 3 sacks.
  16. The Miami Dolphins – 1 sack.
  17. 21 players had more QB pressures than the entire New York Giants (4 pressures).
    • Two players (Za’Darius Smith and Danielle Hunter) had more than doubled the Giants in total pressures.
  18. The Jaguars, Giants, and Broncos were the only teams without a sack.
  19. Minkah Fitzpatrick allowed 416 passing yards and 1 TD in 2018.
    • Yesterday, he allowed 117 passing yards and 3 TDs.
  20. Bobby Wagner allowed 69 (nice) YAC.
  21. Myles Jack got ejaculated ejected for punching Sammy Watkins in the face. With all the security, it proved tough to get Jack off of the field.

THE Accolades:

TEASE OF THE WEEK: Marlon Mack, IND

Marlon Mack teased his way to 87 yards after contact, most in the league. That’s a whole lotta extra foreplay needed just to get him to go down on for you.

SLOT SHAMER OF THE WEEK: DeSean JAckson, PHI

Philadelphia slot shamed Washington with DeSean Jackson. Jackson had 15 snaps in the slot, was targeted 6 times, and caught 5 balls for 119 yards and 2 TDs. Just a friendly reminder folks, it’s never okay to slot shame someone. It should surprise everyone that Philadelphia was the first slot shamer of the year. You’d think a couple season with well known liberal Chris Long would teach Doug Pederson that slot shaming is not okay.

GAP FILLER OF THE WEEK: Allen Bailey (ATL) and John Jenkins (MIA)

Both Allen Bailey and John Jenkins tied with 4 stops this week. These boys really know how to fill a gap.

RUNNING BACK OF THE WEEK: Lamar Jackson, BAL

Ravens RB Lamar Jackson combined for 330 yards and 5 touchdowns this week on just three rushing attempts. Pretty impressive debut for the second year rusher out of Louisville.

DICK (DEE-ICK) OF THE WEEK: Odell Beckham Jr., NYG😭 CLE

This one was easy. OBJ was literally wearing a $350,000 watch on his wrist in a 43-13 blowout. Better yet, the watch is made by a dude named Richard Mille (prounced REE-Shar MEAL cause French). Technically this dude wouldn’t be a Dick (pronounced Dik), he would be a Dick (prounced Dee-ick). Wearing a $350,000 watch and then only scoring me 14 fantasy points getting absolutely embarrassed on a nationally televised game is the equivalent to wearing a tuxedo to Walmart and shitting yourself in the middle of the milk aisle.

 

If you made it this far, thanks for taking on the PENIS with me. See ya next hump day!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.