NFL

A day in the life with Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder

Folks, this past week I was able to spend some time with one of the most misunderstood men in professional football. That man is Washington Redskins (R-Words) owner Dan Snyder. This past week on Wednesday I was able to spend an entire day with the owner of the R-Words and I documented all of my findings here.

The purpose of this story is to give you some clarity into this often misunderstood man’s life and give you his side of things. Our day ranged from simple events like getting coffee at a local coffee shop and even included a phone call with NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell.

It was an unreal experience for me as an up and coming Journalist (please respect the Big J) and a football fan in general. Without further adieu, here’s my story on spending a day with R-Words owner Dan Snyder.

Morning Routine

This story begins in Dan Snyder’s mansion located just outside of D.C. in nearby Potomac, MD. His house has six bedrooms, six bathrooms, and six rooms filled with Washington R-Words memorabilia from his many decades as the owner of the team.

“You don’t have to say it,” Snyder quipped. “My house is fucking HUGE! I’ll bet you wish you could afford something like this.”

As Snyder finishes talking about his house, his wife comes downstairs, gives him a kiss, and runs out the door quietly.

“I know what you’re thinking and for the record, that’s not my wife,” Snyder said. “My favorite TV show is The Sopranos and it gave me the idea of getting a gumar. Whenever my gumar comes over I put my family up in a Motel 6 down the road and tell them that I’m getting the house sprayed for bugs!”

Dan Snyder then laughed for like five straight minutes.

“Come on,” Snyder said. “Let’s go get some coffee. I know a great local spot.”

We climbed into his vintage Hummer H2 that had a vanity license plate that read “REDSKINZ” and he began to drive to his favorite coffee spot. He talked about how he acquired his massive wealth (Wikipedia cites his net worth at $2.3 billion) and how he wishes he could have gotten into another business instead of his communications business.

“My dream job would have been selling subprime mortgages because the interest rates are so goddamn high,” Snyder said. “I’d be able to put a 1 in front of that 2.3 Billion if I got into that field instead.”

We pulled up to his “local coffee shop” which actually just turned out to be a Starbucks. He ordered his coffee black and we sat down at one of the tables.

“I know a lot of people like to accuse me of being racist because they don’t like the name of the football team that I own,” Snyder said. “But would a racist order his coffee black? I don’t think a racist would!”

While we drank our coffee, Snyder talked about how he grew up a die hard R-Words fan. He talked about the days of John Riggins and it’s his dream to restore the Redskins to its previous glory.

When we were finished talking about the “good ole days”, Snyder got up from his chair and shot his coffee cup at the trash can like it was a basketball. He missed and walked out the door. “One of the baristas making minimum wage will clean that up for me,” Snyder said.

Snyder’s daily phone call with Roger Goodell

We then drove to the R-Words team facility in Ashburn, VA. As Dan Snyder walked through the facility, everyone he passed got down on one knee and referred to him as “your grace.”

It was then time for his daily phone call with Roger Goodell. I have a transcript of the call for you here:

Dan Snyder: Well, well, well, if it isn’t my best friend in the entire world, Roger Goodell!

Roger Goodell: Right back at ya, Dan the man! How’s life down in Redskin land?

Dan Snyder: It’s not so good, Rog. We’re staring down the barrel of an 0-4 start since we’ve got to play against big dick Daniel Jones this week. I honestly think that I’m gonna have to fire (Head Coach Jay Gruden).

Roger Goodell: Well you have the full support of the league office if you do so, Dan. Just like you have the full support of the NFL when it comes to the PC police trying to change your team’s name!

Dan Snyder: Don’t even get me started on that! Nothing pisses me off more than saying that we should be changing our team name from the Redskins to something else. The name Redskins honors Native Americans. It’s not my fault that they feel it’s racist against their people and their culture.

Roger Goodell: For realsies. It’s absolutely ridiculous. Well my best friend, I’ve gotta go. I heard that no good thug Chris Long was smoking marijuana in retirement so I’ve gotta go see if I can retroactively suspend him for committing such a heinous crime. Love you, boo.

Dan Snyder: Love you more, Rog.

“Isn’t he just the best?” Dan Snyder said.

Community Engagement Meeting

On this particular afternoon, Dan Snyder had a meeting with the DC NFL Franchise’s Director of Community Engagement who was working on an initiative to get Make-A-Wish kids access to the team as their wish.

“So I want to help our team get better connected with some sick kids in the community,” the Director of Community Engagement said. “It could really lift their spirit and give them some hope during some very dark days. In many cases, these children have terminal illnesses and it could be a chance to fulfill one final wish.”

“This sounds like a wonderful idea,” Snyder said. “How much would we charge them for this experience?”

“Your grace,” the Director of Community Engagement said. “We wouldn’t be charging them. It would be something that’s free of charge for them. It would be a form of charity and it would be a great way to give back to those who need a ray of hope in their lives.”

“Yeah but what kind of lesson would we be teaching these kids by doing something like this for free?” Snyder asked. “Just because they’re sick with a terminal illness it doesn’t mean that they should be getting special treatment. I didn’t become a billionaire by asking for charity.”

After half of the people in the meeting began to throw up after hearing what Dan Snyder had to say, the meeting concluded.

Football Operations Meeting

Our last stop of the day was the football operations meeting where Dan Snyder met one on one with team President Bruce Allen.

“Okay Bruce, let’s talk about this upcoming free agency,” Snyder said. “Who can we give a boatload of guaranteed money to this year?”

“Your grace,” Bruce Allen replied. “It’s only week 4. We need to be talking about what we’re going to do this year to move forward and win a game.”

Dan Snyder completely ignored what Bruce Allen had to say.

“I think we need to make a run at Clowney. Give him $100 million guaranteed if that’s what it takes. We need to get him on our team,” Snyder said.

Dan Snyder then walked out of the meeting and said that he was going home. It was 1:00pm and he was “tired of being at work.”

So that concluded my day with R-Words owner Dan Snyder. It was an interesting day for me and one that I wouldn’t ever want to relive ever. I hope their team goes 0-16 from now until the end of time.

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